POSTED AT 05:13 PM

budzter

i hate feb. absolutely hate it.

 

the 'love month'. totally disgusting. haha.

 

i went natio the other day and it had shelves and shelves of roses and bears and whatnots. i absolutely hate feb.

 

yes. i absolutely hate it.

 

love month my ass.

hallmark's excuse for selling cards.

couple's excuse for making lampungan everywhere.

all that sweety sweety (saccharine!) bullshit all over the place.

serenades and crap like that.

i love you's here and there.

love month my ass.

 

 

yes. bitter lang ako. haha. it's prolly the only month where single-hood becomes utterly unbearable. but what the hey, at least it's gonna be busy busy busy so i prolly won't have time for that love bullshit.

 

upcoming crap:

 

feb 3 - sci10 long test. still 90+ pages to read. gah. plus psych report.

feb 7 - hi18 report. at least we have a plan already, so ho humph.

feb 10 - ec111 long test. this one's not cancellable so i'd better get to work. 5+ chapters to read. groan.

feb 13 - psy101 long test. 3-4 chapters to read. gah.

feb 15 - acc15 long test 3. i need to score high on this one. 25% of the grade. i dunno anything yet, so i'd better study harrrd.

feb 16 - ec115 problem set deadline.

feb 22 - sci10 long test 3.

 

there. that should keep my mind off the L word. (libog? lust? wahahaha kidding)

 

 

POSTED AT 05:16 PM

budzter

i love the lib. seriously, i do. <3

 

congratulate me people: i was in the lib, sitting like a seat away from one of my crushes, and i was still able to concentrate on my sci10 book. snaps for me! hehehe.

POSTED AT 12:33 PM

budzter

60 minutes til sci10 and i know nothing.

 

 

who cares about this world anyway? and if it lasts only till 2200, so what? i'd have been long gone by then, so will my kids and their kids too. and since i don't want any of those, then...

POSTED AT 08:33 PM

budzter

yipeee got thru that sci10 exam plus got myself a tattoo... wahoo.

angel dapat kaso wala so butterfly nalang. happppyyy!!

 

watched simpsons with gen and her orgmates kanina then we hung a bit here before she was picked up by mitch so they could have dinner...

then she called to tell me that mr. acne infestation was at tia maria's alone and she was teasing me about going there and sitting with him... wahhhh.. asa..

 

anyway, ayown, when gen left i got bored here again.. fran's nagyayaya to go out kaso wala si sannd's eh... kulang, plus walang ride, so gah. sayang friday night!!!

 

i'll make some calls tho sa blockmates, baka sakaling may free at okei mag drew's... i have this weird urge to drink lang talaga!! hehehe

 

 

hmmn...

 

ang kewl nung orgmates ni gen. i dun remember any of their names but i liked listening to their interpretations of the characters and plot of the simpsons. parang intellectual chikahan din ang labas.. i like people like that. it is in conversations like those that i feel my brain being put to good use - sort of like mr angeles' lectures (minsan nagiging conversation between us because pinapatulan niya lahat ng side comments ko! that's why i have perfect attendance sa class niya!!) ayown. my brain dint waste away.. and i dint get bored. kewl. matry nga ulit toh...

thinking aloud.
POSTED AT 07:01 AM

budzter

don't read if you don't wanna be grossed out.

ick. this entry's super gonna change your opinion of me.

 

 

yosi+wengweng+pagod+pissed off+^%$#@!+spanish salpicao = shit. lasing ako. and i puked. sa drew's. shit.

 

i've never had that much alcohol in my entire life (or maybe i did, team parties could get.... anyway). i threw up on myself (i know, disgusting). like 3/4 of a liter of wengweng and iforgotwhat in less than 2 hours = hindi ko kinaya.

 

ayown. i did say na i wanted to know how it was to be realllly drunk,.. well now i know. grabeh may drag. i couldn't see right, the room was spinning, i closed my eyes for a few secs and boom, i'm puking. ew.

 

kakahiya dun sa friends ni marco (whose names i forgot already) who had to see me like that. ugh.

 

i puked on myself and on one of my fave shirts too. super disgusting. buti nlang ate maj (the waitress at drew's who used to be my yaya) went to get me a shirt so i dint have to sit there with puke all over me. eww talaga.

 

ayun, after i got cleaned up i asked yung friend ni marco to walk me home and he did. i said goodbye to him, got to my room and fell on my bed - then i can't remember na exactly what happened next. i remember waking up several times, i remember puking a few times more... i woke up at 10 and i was wearing na a huge jersey (mine, duh) tapos walang sheets yung bed ko and i was using my towel as a blanket. (apparently i got some puke on my bedsheets and got up, cleaned it, then went back to sleep, i don't remember exactly what). my room was a huge mess when i woke up (don't worry, i dint puke on the floor or on my bed or anything), tapos i washed my shirt, maj's shirt (yaya), marco's friend's handkerchief na binigay niya sakin, cleaned up my bed (which was mostly clean na anyway), got rid of a plastic bag full of puke then washed up. had lunch, then played soccer with phil (my landlady's kid).

 

i am now uber pissed at myself. i dunno why i've been doing all these shitty stuff recently. what happened to the ME who was responsible? the ME who knew when to stop?  i used to be super high tolerance and i never really pushed it to that level. pero nagiging gago na ako now. i dunno.

 

what could've made me like this?

 

all this started this second sem lang - smoking became an everyday thing (up to half a pack in one dAy. that lala). drinking at first became a weekly thing, then now it's a 3-times-a-week thing (pag pwede) na. what happened with * at sam's place... what happened at pau's party (mej lang ang likot likot at sabog ko nun! tapos na lock out pa ako). why i can't seem to sit still in the weekends and why i always have to go out. why i've been spending more than my weekly budget (because of yosi and drinks) why my savings account is going down and why my credit card bills are going up. why i'm starting to get late na for curfew (dati 7 home na ako) ... why?

 

was i a repressed child?

because i was clinging to that image of my perfect family (which, it turns out, was only a cover up) with the strict dad and the extremely caring mum and the grandma who usually gave us what we wanted and always took our side on things. everything seemed perfect. people in our little city seemed to have respect for my parents. they had this good, clean image. tapos me and my brothers were doing okay pa with school, and we stayed away from vices. we were into music and sports and shit like that.   i dint really realize this until jen (dormmate) was talking to her friend (who's from tacloban) and he was telling her about my family being ideal and shit like that.

true enough, it did seem ideal for the longest time. up until my dad started (discretely) fucking around and my mum found out + my dad was being such a jerk and was starting to get extremely absent from our lives and being overly self centered... kaya ayown, byebye perfect little family.

i was so concerned about what other people would think of my actions; about ruining my dad's reputation through the stuff i did... i think that was one of the reasons why i always made it a point to be good. because me and my brothers were my dad's action figure collection. toys he was proud of and he would parade around given the chance and the right moments.

i dunno. is it possible that since everything's all messed up anyway (since my family isn't 'perfect' nymore), i can stop being good?

that could be one reason.

 

another could be this conversation between me and my dad over sembreak. as usual it was about my car being brought to manila and he kept saying all these excuses.. at the end of it, it boiled down to one = he dint trust me enough. and that completely irked me. i even asked him to transfer me to cebu instead but he wouldn't. he said i was crazy for wanting to give up being in one of the best schools in the country just for a car and i said it was more than that. that if he could never trust me enough to allow me to have some fun here then i might as well go home kasi it's the same thing = kulong ako dun, kulong din ako dito.

am i breaking rules just because i am pissed? or is it that i used to value the fact that he trusted me and now that it turns out he doesn't, then i have nothing to lose. after all whether patapon ako or not, or perfect daughter ako or not, he still won't trust me. am i being a rebel?

pwede rin to...

 

third.., pwede ring gusto ko lang, and i never had the chance to because i was always afraid of the consequences. pwedeng i just wanna live and try this stuff out. but thing is, i don't even like drew's! i like the jack's loft trips with francine and sanndra where we buy those cocktails and order some of those yummy food and then just talk and laugh and goof the night away. i have never really been fond of inumans where all you do is ..., well..., drink. i mean where's the sense in that? where's the bonding when all of you are wasted?

 

or alcoholic lang talaga ako at kailangan/gusto ko lang na may dumadaloy na alcohol in my bloodstream?

 

 

 

but what's weird is that hindi ako nagiging patapon. i'm abusing my body, yes. i drink i smoke i eat food that's gonna be bad for me i starve myself when i feel like it i jog til my (asthmatic, smoker-) lungs are ready to just drop.... but hindi ako nagiging patapon.

everything's good actually.

my friends are there (yen and jen and coline and rea and gen and stacy and amy and sannds and francine and paul and david and daryl and ARPT teammates and d3 blockmates + hannah and carissa and chic chic and kane and my friends from high school)

my grades are okay [ec115-B; acc15-B-ish (waiting for the curve); psy101-A (altho this might go down to B+);  sci10- B/B+ish; hi18- - ; ec111- -] i'm okay with school. i'm making new friends in most of my classes.

the lovelife part, although i get extremely senti a lot of times, i think i'm okay without a boyface. i have lived 18 years alone, why should i need one now? it's just the valentine's bug that makes me want one.

so it's only my family, my old stronghold, my fallback, the dovehouse that i would go home to no matter where my flights would take me, that's the problematic part of my life right now.

but i don't think it's what's causing me to do this stuff. i mean. helllow. like i told my guidance counselor, my life does not revolve around that. my life revolves around myself and the kind of person i want to become.

 

...or maybe it could be that i CAN'T be the kind of person i WANT to be cause in the first place i never really thought about what i REALLY TRULY want cause i can't have that anyway, so what's the point? my parents have had my life more or less planned for me. but it's not their fault cause i have always been undecided. go where the tides take me., go where i would do well. and it dint help that after i took those aptitude tests that were supposed to guide me in choosing the right path for myself, i was told that i could do okay in whatever i get myself into and i dint score exceptionally well in any one of the categories so they dint really know where to put me.

am i allowing myself to waste away cause i have no future to look forward to anyway? but that's not exactly true cause i still have my fortune to amass..

 

ugh.

 

sorry peeps, kung may nag basa man until here, i got you extremely confused, dint i? ang labo ko kasi. kailangan ko lang talagaing ilabas ang mga toh. baka mag go insane na ako

 

ayown. magddetox ako for 2 weeks. i will keep myself busy and avoid smoking and drinking. (let avoid be the operating word here).. god help me.

 

and friends, kung nabasa nyo toh, and may input kau, comment kau,(i might just go see a shrink.. gah) kung wala kaung input at epal lang kau, SHOO.

Feeling: disappointed at self

POSTED AT 01:49 PM

budzter

forgive me for that extremely long, possibly confusing entry.

 

so far so good on the detox bit. i will find means of keeping myself busy so as not to get into the vices. haha..

 

in the process of regaining control over my life.  bear with me.

 

 

off to gateway in a bit with yen to watch a movie. that and then i hit the books. accounting and microeco...

 

 

tnx for the support guys! muwazsh

POSTED AT 11:34 PM

budzter

watched walk the line with yen.

my kind of movie!

 

lots  of music + depression + obsession + passion + addiction + suicidal tendencies + did i mention lots of music? + all those vices + happy ending = yeah. my kind of movie.

 

i'm not gonna write about it cause i want you guys to watch  (tell me, sama ako, i wanna watch it again. teehee)

 

 

ayown. then went with yen to mega so she could get her new phone. kewlness. i want a new phone too! the N6101. kaso 9,900 and i don't need it so.... hayy. i borrowed yen's old fone so i can have a spare (hassle kasi to bring around my o2 eh. scary pa, remember when i got robbed? hehe) so yown.

POSTED AT 03:20 PM

budzter

now isn't my dad the weirdest. no car for me so i'll keep still and stay in the dorm. sabay biglang "there's this condo unit in makati that i want you to check out."  "there's this I.T company i want you to go see." "there's this building in las pinas na i want you to check out..."

 

no fucked up way.

 

weirdo.

 

a few minutes back he called. there's this building daw kasi na he wants to buy and he wants me to check it out by today or tomorrow. helllowww?? how am i supposed to get to las pinas? lilipad? ipapagcommute moko? akala ko ba takot ka dahil nde safe dito, tapos gusto moko pumunta dun? gago ka ah! tss.

POSTED AT 09:57 PM

budzter

save for 2 eensyweensy exagg minute details, my day went perfectly well:

 

i got up at 9 (i cut accounting; pe was freecut.) rushed to metrobank(without taking a shower. ick. i know, but i had to.) to get cash from my atm then rushed to rustan's to buy the meat for history report (kwento about that in a jif)

tapos when i got home, i dumped the meat in boiling water, got some "spices" ready and then put the cooked meat in 2 separate containers, took a shower, then rushed to school by 11:00 to meet issa and setup for our report.

okey, so yung report namin was on age of exploration and the spice trade. we divided the class into 2 - spain and portugal. each group had to pick a king and queen. the king and queen had to appoint their conquistadores and the conquistadores had to go on a "scavenger hunt" looking for post-its that could be remitted for spices (we made maps and hid the post its all over ctc 2nd floor.)

we gave each group some money = chocolate coins. the kings and queens had to buy the spices from the conquistadores. then they had to re-cook the boiled meat and add flavor. then they had to eat it. and they had to get sir to eat it.

 

so they were cooking na, right? and then sir helped them cook (omg, i'm marrying him na talaga... not only is he brilliant, he cooks pa! whew..) kasi daw if he has to eat that, it better taste good.. kewlness. tapos he said na everyone has to taste it daw - both the unflavored boiled meat that looked like shit, and the meat sir cooked. so there.

malabo yung pagkakakwento ko. actually malabo talaga yung nangyari kanina. pero more or less na cover namin dun sa activity yung lahat ng sinabi sa lecture ni sir - about going on voyages, and having maps, and getting spices, and trading, and then the difference between the unflavored food and the one with spices... sir seemed to like it,... well, he said he liked it. so kewl.

 

katapos nung report, i had gen and stace go with me to the caf so i could have lunch  - my first meal for the day (at 1:30 pm. nice.) tapos while i was having lunch, may dumating na nakakainis na tao na nakakacause ng indigestion. well mostly because... okay later na yan.

so i quickly finished my food (beef mongolian as usual+ the donuts jerome gave us as his 'birthday treat') then we went to berchmans, conquered a bench then started talking about our dreams. i know, cheesy much. but yeah. and then after that we were off to the lib because i felt this need to blog (sa blogger ko, feel free to go check.) and then 3:00 na so ecomath.

i was super excited for ecomath kasi ... well you know na. but then... gah. later na ulit.

so natulog ako sa ecomath. then later on, i went to the banyo, then coming back nakasalubong ko si dex. eh super ayaw namin bumalik sa classroom, so naglaro kami ng mga padlock nung mga lockers sa berch 2nd floor. tapos may dalawang lockers akong nabuksan. wala lang, funny lang. and kinda stupid (pag nag locker kau, wag kau maglagay ng may combination lock. yung mga iniikot, super dali niya mabuksan.)

 

ayown, after ecomath, uwian na. i was walking with stace then nakasalubong namin si vince (wednesday lunch date niya). finally, nameet ko na din! in fairness okay siya. go stace! you have my full support!

tapos ayown, hinatid kami ni vince pauwi. tapos when i got here, phil (landlady's kid) was here and we played ball a bit, then we had taquitos and milk (weird combination, yes?) and then we hung konti sa room ko.. (ang daldal ng batang yun!) and then my mum called and we were talking lang. phil got tired of waiting, umalis na siya. and then after talking to my mum, i went to sleep, tapos ginising ako ni phil, gusto maglaro. eh ayaw niya pa hug, so sabi ko umalis na siya (yes, ma-hug akong tao.. :D) tapos ayown, i went back to sleep tapos he was playing lang outside until lou called him to go in. and then i woke up cause yen went here - she wanted to get the numbers out of her old fone. then yen and i had dinner.

so yun. my day went well. happy.

 

okay yung nakakairita details.

bakit kailangang umupo sa harap ko kung tatalikod naman? tsaka kung ayaw moko, tumakbo ka na papalayo, at tatakbo din ako sa opposite direction. hindi na magpaparade tayo in front of each other, hindi naman tayo magpapansinan. kung aalis ka, umalis kang tuluyan. hindi na pabitinbitin ka, wala namang pinatutunguhan. decide pare! wag mokong i-confuse.

 

tsaka nag cut Angel ko. gah. ugh. grr. hmph. howel. howel indeed.

 

ayown, two extremely small details. not enough to ruin my day.

 

 

 

nga pala, i woke up at 4, cold sweat, shaking, scared. i had a bad dream. i don't even remember what.

parang madalas mangyari toh these past few weeks. i wake up tired and parang nde ako natulog at all. sabi ng psych prof ko, baka from my dreams daw. wala naman akong naaalala. weird. oh wel.

there. that's it.

POSTED AT 07:07 PM

budzter

it's 7 pm and i'm still in the lib attempting at catching up on both accounting and psych. it seems that my 2 weeks of "depression"  (i was absent from the world) made my schoolwork accumulate.

 

but hey, i can do this. ako pa, dba? hehe

 

ayown,. i'm not even halfway thru with the first chapter in the accounting coverage, but i think kakayanin naman toh.

 

stace and i were making a chart of expected grades and QPIs during sci10 class this afternoon. mine ranges from a 2.9 - 3.4.. hayy nako. bahala na nga. basta for sure i'm getting myself back on track. focusing once more on my schoolwork.

 

god help me. pray for me you guys. hehe.. cge, back to my date with chiappeta et.al. haha

i'm not mad. i'm just..... well.. yeah i'm mad.
POSTED AT 09:45 PM

budzter

hindi ka naman kailangang mag comment sa lahat ng bagay eh, lalo na magsabi ng something na hindi naman for you to divulge. gah.

katakot ka pala itrust noh? andami mo pa namang alam. hindi naman just because totoo pwede mong sabihin sa iba.

alam ko mababaw at di na dapat sinasabi. at di ko naman pinapalaki. kakaasar lang.

 

 

wala lang. yun lang.

POSTED AT 10:49 PM

budzter

good grades would be nice to have. but if it'll take so much, wag na lang. okay na din naman yung okay lang eh.

spoken like the true quitter that i am.

what happened to the megalomaniac (not quite the word for it) me who sought after more and being better (than everyone else, in one way or another)? the one who ventured after a challenge (and got one, too)..  na dishearten na ba? o natamad lang? wahahaha.

 

mukhang mas natamad kesa nadishearten. haha.

POSTED AT 01:30 PM

budzter

forgive me for doing this. i will be doing my psych project on my blog. but don't worry i won't get all nerdy on you.. our project is a timeline of our lives (selected events) and then we have to reflect and give interpretations on them. there lies my problem. i came up with the following list: 1. off to pre-school 2. making my first friend 3. getting my own room 4. quitting both taekwondo and ballet 5. beat someone up for dissing my brother 6. made my teacher cry by insulting his lecture in front of the class 7. winning NAMCYA with my gradeschool choir 8. spending a hellish weekend at my grandparents' house 9. formed a "barkada" 10. not getting into Pisay 11. grade school graduation 12. first and only piano recital 13. winning writing awards 14. fight with Bong (my eldest brother. we haven't spoken a word to each other for about 5 years now.) 15. fight with my teacher (i was 15 and i threw a temper tantrum. bwahaha) 16. quitting violin. 17. quitting the dance troop. 18. kicked off the school paper (for being a bitch. and for picking on my teachers and the school administrators. what can i say? i was extremely evil) 19. went hong kong. (it was supposed to be a happy vacation. until i got into a fight with my dad that is) 20. got called to the principal's office (first time in my life!) for causing trouble in our class (the class was divided between me and this other girl. it was waR! and it started with her picking on my cousin. no one messes with the people i love!) 21. high school graduation (i almost dint go) 22. coming to manila. 23. lola lamy's death. 24. parents split up. 25. going home and nothing's the same. 26. new life here: moving on. accepting change. 27. shifting to eco: finally deciding to follow my dad's plan for me. (yes, once i graduate i will be his official slave.) 28. uncle toy's death. my cousin had to stop school to take over out farm. i realized that the real world is just around the corner. 29. this christmas. (different. but still okay) 30. NOW. and this mess i'm making of my life. there. those are the 30 events that stood out. weird noh? parang lahat/karamihan sila negative. but my life wasn't all that bad. probably why nag stand out yun mga toh.

POSTED AT 08:10 PM

budzter

bakit ko nagwworry? di ka naman akin

POSTED AT 11:07 AM

budzter

nicotine free for 9 days now!! whooopeEE! 5 days to go!

 

i honestly dint think i'd last this long.

 

and i almost dint.

 

thankyou God for the people who acted as my support system - gen stacy jen yen rea etc...  you dunno how much good your encouragement and support did for me.

 

5 more days peeps! just 5 more!

 

 

and then we'll see if i can quit this for good. or at least stay at the 1-2 sticks per day level. (10 sticks/day was wayyy too much na.)

 

 

ayun. valentine's week = hell week. gawd. help me.

 

 

thazzit.. back to micro.

POSTED AT 11:47 AM

budzter

omg nga pala, gen said something last night that got me disturbed.

 

i "barked" at her daw one time when she was hyper and i was in a bad mood. shit. i thought that side of me was (almost) gone. yung tipong magagalit at maninigaw lang bigla. sorry gen!! let's hope it won't happen again.

 

 

and i don't even remember saying something, or getting pissed at all. gahh., ms. hyde came out again.

 

mood swings. gah. gots tuh get rid of them.

 

hayy. sorry talaga gen!!!

POSTED AT 05:56 PM

budzter

this isn't fun nymore. school i mean.

especially when you've been awake 3 nights in a row,. gah.

POSTED AT 01:06 AM

budzter

yes. i'm not busy tonight.

 

so pde ako mag update!!

 

 

...and mag senti...

 

 

i just had one hellish week - started off with ec111 long test 2, then followed by psych long test 2 and accounting long test 3. talk about killer. not to mention a humungous decrease in my grades... byebye high standings.... there go my dreams of having good grades this sem. but what the hey.. so frikkin what?

 

want some details? here goes.

 

my weekend was mostly spent at seattle's katipunan with Gen. [hayy new home na talaga.] we spent sunday night there and stayed til 1 am of monday morning tapos nung 1 am na, close na yung seattle's so we moved to 7eleven. stayed there til 3 am then moved to Gen's dorm and studied til 7:30 am... at 7:30 i went home na to get some sleep.

 

 

monday

i cut sci10 but i went to psych. the comtech block was absent cause they had this field trip for LS, so it was just the polsci block+ me. i dint know anyone so loner ulit ako sa likod...

 

oh and may new crush ako dun sa polsci block. teehee. :">

 

anyway, ms. aleta hypnotized us. we were supposed to visit our partner's house - partner ko si richmond. grabeh, he really saw our house in tacloban... super accurate ng descriptions niya and then yung stairs super tugma. ako naman i saw his grandmother's house pero there were some details na hindi tumugma... kewL huh?!

 

after psych, microeco long test na. and i'd have to say, super sayang ng weekend ko. sana nag aral nalang ako ng accounting and psych, may natutunan a siguro ako. i'm pretty sure i failed that,. as in super nahirapan ako.

 

what's done is done, right?

 

tuesday: valentine's day.

all my life i have hated this day. i thought it was a hallmark creation, nothing but a marketing strategy and a pathetic excuse for people to be all saccharine in public. ick.  valentine's day = not my kind of holiday.

pero in fairness, it wasn't all that bad - especially since i had my face buried in accounting and psych (by the way, thanks kay carlos for the slides on learning and memory, and kay jaymee for the slides on human development. suuuper helpful talaga.)

so hindi nanaman ako natulog. nag aral ako accounting all day then psych all night.

pero it wasn't all that bad nga. i dint mind all the shweetyshweety shit. all the flowers and balloons and whatnots. yeah they were icky, pero okay lang. tnx pala kay stacy for the rose, and kay marlo for that flower na di ko alam kung ano ang name.

 

wednesday

 

hateful. first off psych LT was a killer. grrr. byebye A standing!!!

 

then accounting LT, which was worse than psych. actually worse than all of the long tests i've ever had in my ateneo life. grabeh ngayon lang ako nakafeel na naiiyak na ako sa frustration - super wala akong alam!!!! feel ko nga i pass nalang un paper ko na walang sagot eh!

 

anyway, salamat kay paul, gen, sanndra, david, mell, james, allan for making it all better - we should mcdo more often, noh?

tsaka happy pa rin my day cause nkatabi ko si psych crush sa labas ng classroom. :"> yuck ang corny ko talaga. ang babaw pa. pero happiness lies in the kababawan naman dba? so let me be!!!

 

ayown, accounting down. i slept peacefully na.

 

thursday tho, work ulit - psych project. i dint sleep nanaman!!! pero good thing maganda kinalabasan ng project ko... okay na yun!! post ako ng shots if i have time...

 

today, friday (well technically, yesterday!)

i went to sci10 class... as usual boring lecture. then went to psych class... <3  we had personality tests ek ek.. then after that, since freecut ang microeco, nag gateway kami nina stacy and gen. tapos after that, i went with sannds to this art exibit thingy at ponti, then went bubba gump where we finished a platter of shrimp and a shaker of tequila (yes, i'm off detox! i'm still off the yosi tho. oh and i lasted 14 days. yey me). tapos after that we went max brenner and i so totally fell in love with the italian dark chocolate something something. yummmmmmm.... so yun... hayy. love life na ulit. i'm happy na ulit.

 

tnx to

sannds - i luvyah bitch! you never fail to cheer me up! gen and stacy - my uber supportive "moms". hehehe. paul - for the prayers... and the comfort. carlos and jaymee - for the psych notes. made my life a whole lot easier. david and daryl - study group! coline, jen and jayem - for the help with my psych project.

 

and all the other people who made hell week bearable. plus all the people who supported me through my 14-day-detox... to those who believed i could do it.

 

and to the people who reminded me that life is worth living after all. 

 

thank you sobrah!

 

i love you guys!

 

 

 

i realized, while i was doing my life line, that despite all the crappy stuff, there are still a whole lot of things/people/events in my life that i should be happy about. thank you God for the people around me. for my support system. for everything.

POSTED AT 03:22 PM

budzter

btw, requirement ba ang 'gwapo' at 'tisuyin' para mag work sa max brenner??? cutie waiters! hahahahah...

POSTED AT 12:43 PM

budzter

suuuper fun eurostar with frans and sannds!!!!! <3 i super duper lurve you guyssss!!!!

 

grabeh we thought pa it was gonna be cancelled because of certain changes sa plans, pero tuloy pa rin! yeyy!!!

 

the night started with sannds' friend (who was supposed to get dressed at her house for the ateneo prom) being 2 hours late. so because of that, everything was moved to 2 hours later na...

 

pero go pa rin.

 

 we got to eurostar and got the ride all you can passes. the first ride was the booster. i dint get on it cause i dint wanna be thrown upside down... (yess, i'm a wuss. i'm sorry) pero i went on the second ride, yun flipper. exagg siya! naubos na ata namin iscream lahat ng alam naming mura and then after we were exagg hilo, we actually threw up! pero ang weird cause we were on the ride with this 11year old girl, and she dint even screa,!

 after that, we needed a chill out ride, so we got on the ferris wheel. the view was suuuper nice! sannds got scared tho, and i don't blame her. nakaharap kasi siya sa cables and all, and medyo scary nga, hahaha.

and then, we ate hotdogs and fries then got on the bumper cars. frans and i plotted to attack sannds. and we did.. hehe evil bitches!

tapos nun we went on the mini log jam thingy. we loved it so much we went again... tapos i wanted to go to the house of horror, pero ayaw nila ako samahan - guys kasi came out scared eh, so ayaw nila.. gahh. i wanted!!!!

anyway... yown... sobrang pa cute lang kami, we went on the carousel. tapos after that, nag pa tattoo kami ... and guess what? i got mine for free!!! the tattoo artist seemed to like me.. weheheh

pictures on my multiply!!!

 

after eurostar we went to this italian resto, i forgot the name, and i ate pasta with clams,.. and then after that we walked around then found seats and waited for lauro (sannds' brother) to pick us up. <3<3<3

and i'd have to say, he. is. hot! (sorry sannds. but he is,.)

 

tapos yown. we went to sannds' place na and then we were supposed to sleep at lauro's room. we chilled at sannds' room first while he took a shower tapos when he was done na, we took over his room.  (i asked him for porn, cause we wanted to divirginize fran's "virgin eyes" pero he dint have any daw. chyeeeeah right.) so yun, mejo lang nagkalat kami sa kwarto niya while watching 50 first dates, tapos ang daming sabog moments namin ni frans pero the sabog moments made it a lot fun-er.

we fell asleep while watching the movie, then we got up at like 10:30 cause lauro needed his room na and we had to go na rin.

 

nagdrive through kami sa mcdo, then we made hatid frans to greenhills (putangina am i getting conyo-er and conyo-er with every gimic with my bitches???) tapos lauro dropped me and sannds off sa mcdo katip and i walked home na, tired eh.

 

so there. super love ko night ko last night!! we super have to do this more often! :D

 

 

tnx to frans and sannds!!!!! super love you guys!!!!!!!! <3<3<3

 

 

ay nga pala, i smoked yesterday. 1 and a half sticks. haha. kadiri na siya, hindi ko na siya like as much....

 

 

 _______________________________________________________

 

 

 

on another note, maybe he just doesn't like me. end of story. but i'm not letting go just like that.

POSTED AT 10:33 PM

budzter

tanginangshyet. that ecomath lt was a frikkin killer! grabeh! super hirap! naiiyak nako kanina!

 

i couldn't do the required problems!! as in imbento lahat ng sinulat ko! yun optional problem naman, imbento din pero at least that one was confident ako.

 

shit! 50 points yung required problems tapos yung optional, 20. so kahit nakuha ko yung full 20 points, tangina, F pa rin yun!!

 

wahhh. gone are my hopes of improving my grades! *sob*.

 

tapos thoughts of re-shifting out of eco are resurfacing.

(recap: i'm in eco cause the guidance cousilor told me to. she said na eco would be my best bet of a business course given na full slots yung management. she also said na since similar naman yung curriculum ng eco and management for 2nd year, i could just take eco first then reshift. so not true - super layo ng subjects namin! tapos i thought hassle na to reshift. but then kung ganito na ayaw ko talaga majors ko, then might as well, dba? kesa sa stay and hate the rest of my college life? or i could shift to meco, which is nearer and i think it would be easier to catch up kasi isang subject lang yung kulang. pero eco pa rin yun eh... pero hindi na sobrang naka concentrate sa eco, at least may management subjects na, eh gusto ko naman management subjects dba.... ugh. ugh. ugh.. ewankoooo!!! can someone please decide for me nalang???)

 

 

so what now? eco? meco? mgt?

 

or get the fuck out of ateneo. with the same amount of effort in another school, taas siguro grades ko.

gah.

 

 

double gah.

 

POSTED AT 12:09 AM

budzter

"loving someone who doesnt love you is like reaching for a star... you know you'll never reach it... but you hope that someday... it might just fall"

 

 

omg uzz, i can so totally relate.

POSTED AT 06:50 PM

budzter

looong day.

 

at the start of the schoolyear i said i wanted to keep myself busy, kaya i joined several orgs, in addition pa to ARPT.

Ateneo Lex, cause of Sam. (she's now president by the way, kewl huh?)

Ateneo Economics Association cause it's my home org. (although i haven't really contributed that much)

Ateneo Management Junior Marketing Association (Sorry maling type..) cause i find it so interesting and it's something i could possibly be passionate about.

and of course, i continued my membership with ARPT.

 

 

So, ano napala ko with my orgs for the past year?

For Lex:

i was in the logistics committee for the law school talks under elfred.

then i was logistics head for the lex poker party thingy na hinead ni sam.

 

yun lang?? oo, yun lang. gah.

 

For AJMA:

i was in the communications committee for Shindig but I didn't really do much - nagbantay lang ng booth and stuff, so wala lang.

 

For AEA:

WALA! except maybe yung nagpasama si stacy magbantay sa food sale, pero that's about it.

 

sa ARPT naman, i sat out of every competition.

 

 

so what happened to my plans of being active?

 

pero ang weird, kasi nasa voting pool ako ng AJMA - voting pool = list of members who were active enough na pinayagan sila mag vote. cool, huh?  pero come to think of it, i did respond each time nag text sila, and i did go to both GAs plus the GAs for the projects i signed up for so i guess that qualifies me as an active member, huh?

 

sa AEA naman, i signed up with stacy to be project heads for any project for next year. tapos we had our interview kanina - exagg package deal kami - hindi kami tatanggap ng hindi kami sabay, in fact we shared an application form. tapos she (the gurl interviewing us) asked kung meron ba sa amin willing mag vp for finance, tapos we were both, "okay lang, basta package deal kami.," but she said isang name lang yung pwede so we tossed a coin, landed on me so there's that possibility although feeling ko malabo.. imagine, me an officer of AEA. twilight zone pare! hwahahaha

anyway, bahala na yan. we'll see how those things work out. pero stacy and i are willing naman to exert as much effort in improving our pathetic excuse of a home org. hayyy... grabeh, home org ko AEA pero mas na love ko yung Lex tsaka AJMA. eh kewl sila eh. pero magiging kewl din AEA, once sina Daniel, and David and Gen and Paul and the rest of the members from our batch become extremely active in it na....  hahaha. wishful thinking.

 

 

anyway, ayown. sa Lex naman, i'm there when they need me.

 

actually ganun na ata ako sa lahat eh - i'm there when they need me.

 

 

okay, ang labo labo talaga ng entry na toh. pati ako nalilito. pabayaan na nga lang. bahala na ang bukas. pero as much as possible, magiging active ako!

 

 

nga pala, babawi ako sa ARPT during the summer. pangit lang talaga ng sched ko now kaya ,... ayun. cge. yun na.

POSTED AT 12:38 AM

budzter

i feel like my legs have been cut off. i know it's crazy na i'm whining about this again but i've been here more than a year and i'm still not used to it.

 

my legs have been cut off. ive been imprisoned.

 

it's been a year and i'm still not used to having to call someone so i could get anywhere. i'm still not used to having to make 'storbo someone so i can get out. i'm still not used to being the one driven home. i'm still not used to it. and i think i never will be.

 

and what kind of a crazy person buys his daughter a car and keeps it 900+ kilometers away? "it's yours. use it when you're here."

 

puta first off, when i'm there, i have others to choose from. I NEED ONE HERE. JUST ONE! tsaka second, I DON'T FRIKKIN' GO "HOME" THERE NYMORE!! THAT's NOT MY HOME NYMORE. I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU BUT HOME IS WITH MOM, NOT WITH YOU.

 

so if you're not sending that here, and you insist  it's "mine" so you don't use it, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS cause it's just gonna rot there anyway. garrrrrhhhh. putanginang shit talaga o.

 

 

 

 

 

*obviously kakatapos ko lang makipag usap with my dad. grh. gah.

 

 

 

on a better note, sannndsss! tuloy bora! pinayagan na ako.

POSTED AT 10:40 PM

budzter

waaahhh. he isn't that perfect naman pala!!!!

 

 

 

yess. the moment i've been waiting for - the moment when i would get over my silly li'l crush.

 

 

masyado siyang self-righteous. tsaka nagppreach siya. tsaka he's not willing to take time out to get to know me.

 

ayaw nyako. pero so what? turns out hindi naman pala siya kagusto-gusto. [parang bitter lang ako! pero read on..]

 

after reviewing all of our conversations, na realize ko, tangina, PREACHER TONG CRUSH KO. nangsesermon si gago, as if naman siya sobrang bait. as if naman hindi ko alam na siya din may kagaguhang kanya.

 

may tatay nako,. may mga pseudo tatay pa. di ko kailangang magdagdag ng isa pa.

 

gags. ayoko yung tunog ng the way we talk. it's like he's talking to a 5 year old, either that or someone who's extremely patapon. and ako naman, parang nakikiride nalang, and going with his image of me. i dun like that at all. if i can't be my natural sabog, sira ulo pero geeky self around him, ayoko na. bahala na kahit ayaw nya ako.

 

 

POSTED AT 07:08 PM

budzter

damn rally-ers! garrrh. i can't go see my mum tuloy... tama na nga with the bullshit and just go back to work!!! tsk tsk tsk

 

POSTED AT 02:12 PM

budzter

i got this from an email stacy forwarded.  

SLOW DANCE

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time

 

Thrown away.

 

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

POSTED AT 11:26 PM

budzter

yup yup, i got that F i was expecting sa ecomath LT. that lowered my grade to a fucked up C. high C. but C nonetheless. hateful!!!

 

there goes whatever hope i ever had of raising my QPI this sem.

 

ooh, tsaka D yung binigay ni Amiel sa LT ko. gah. pero okay lang, i dun think any less of him, he's still the best history prof i've had. pero tnksalot pare ah. tangina, sumabit pa ako sa D by one point, better than gen and stacy who failed by a frikkin point! bah.. arsh. hmmp.

 

ayun. things with the school shit aren't turning out as planned. but i've still got time to make bawi, which is why i've been exerting effort in our psych presentation and i'm gonna be studying sci10 soon. teehee.

 

 

last month of school. i can't afford to get any manic-depressive attacks anytime soon (i was working on a powerpoint for our report on bipolar disorder, and i felt like i exhibit all the symptoms!!! wahahah me and my paranoid, hypochondriac self talaga o)

 

here's what i gotta do:

eco115 - i need at least a C+(i'm not really sure) sa next LT para ma pull up to a B yung grade ko. A in everything else, will give me a B+. (given held constant yung quizzes and probset. akala ko talaga eco major ako, di ko inakalang that's synonymous to being a math major.) wishful thinking. we'll see... ntatawa ako kanina, sabi ni maam "mag repeat performance ka kasi nung ginawa mo sa unang LT" cheeyarayt.

eco111 - give up nako. pero we'll see. gah. C/C+ is the best i could hope for. a B would be too much to ask. pero if he'll give it to me, game. hehehe.

acc15 - so far, B pa naman standing ko. we'll see after the results of the next longtest.

psy101 - byebye A na!! B+ nalang ata yung kaya - unless ma A namin everything (group work, etc)  which is kinda malabo... gah. my fault for fucking up the 2nd lt.

sci10 - C+. bobo ko noh? sci10 na nga lang, putek. long test bukas, wish me luck.

hi18 - i dun wanna talk about it. i'm not marrying mr angeles nymore! wahahaha.

 

theryago. mediocrity. as usual.

 

now why did i fuck up so many long tests ?

 

kasi nga nileave ko self ko for a while.

 

sana enough pa yung time para mabawi lahat yun. ang sayang nung effort sa first few months kung masasayang lang sa 2-3 weeks na nagpakagago ako.

 

gago kasi. tanga kasi. bobo kasi.

 

weak freak.