getting lost.
POSTED AT 10:58 PM

budzter

i can't believe we got lost THREE TIMES this weekend.

wala. naalala ko lang.

we got lost on the way to Chin's warehouse/factory for training last saturday, then got lost twice on the way to muntinlupa. wahahaha. good job, good job.

sabi pa nga ni carlo ram we really shouldn't join the amazing race. wahaha.

amelie.
POSTED AT 01:17 AM

budzter

it's fucking 1:05 am and i just finished writing my paper on amelie. it makes konting sense lang, i hope that's enough.

anyhoo.

na inspire ako sa movie na yun. doing good and all its incentives. heto nanaman ako at puro incentives yung nasa isip. pero di ba, good people deserve to be happy. and admittedly i'm not exactly the best person around and i probably deserve the konting unhappiness i have. (god is merciful)

which reminds me. i am feeling a tad bit guily about (mentally) lambasting this girl. i am in 0 position to think about anyone in such a low way. I AM SO FRIGGIN SORRY. i'm pretty sure she doesn't even know who she is and the stuff we've (yes, we. not just me) said about her behind her back, hell she prolly doesn't even know me, but sometimes criticism can go overboard and even if the subject doesn't hear it,... well let's just say i'm extremely sorry.

there. a movie for SA class actually gets to me. hehe.

self pity: please don't look at yourself in such a low way. physical beauty doesn't give you everything.

hayy..

i'd post my paper but it's really crappy, and like i said, konti lang yung sense nya so you guys would be better off without reading it.

POSTED AT 03:24 PM

budzter

Strange, dear, but true, dear, When I'm Close to you dear, The stars fill the sky, So in love with you am I. Even Without you My arms fold about you. You know, darling, why, So in love with you am I. In love with the night mysterious The night when you first were there In love with my joy delirious When I knew that you could care. So taunt me and hurt me, Deceive me, desert me, I'm yours ‘til I die, So in love, So in love So in love with you, my love, am I.   so in love by cole porter sung by lara fabian and some other guy. tangina, dalang dala ako. wala lang.

i NEED you. and it's so friggin annoying.
POSTED AT 09:03 PM

budzter

that's my ym stat msg right now.

i wrote before that i wish you'd just disappear and get out of my life. but now that i feel you slowly slipping away,.. it doesn't feel good. i NEED you. it's so friggin annoying. and the worst part is that you don't feel the same way. after all, i'm just one of them. what's it to you if you lost me?

and for the longest time i thought i didn't like you.

i lost. yun yung game naman eh, unang ma inlove talo. dba? talo ako. and it's so freaking depressing.

i wish i didn't think of you like this nalang. i wish i could go back to seeing you as just some guy, or a friend's friend who i didn't really like that much. i wish i could just go on liking that other guy, cause even if i were invisible to him, at least i could still think of the possibilities. with you its so freakin obvious - you just don't like me that way.. with him it was 'what if he knew me? maybe if he did he'd actually like me'. pero with you, hindi. sarili ko lang ang niloloko ko kasi sobrang andyan na, at hindi pa rin.

why do i have to like guys i can't have? marami naman diyan sa tabi tabi eh, bat yung di ko pa maabot yung kinababaliwan ko?

sabi nga ni sam, baka bigla kitang nagustuhan kasi hindi mo na ako masyadong pinapansin ngayon. whereas when you were there and you were making me feel all important and stuff, i was pushing you away.

although na-imply niya din na you're going through a phase and that i shouldn't take it personally - asshole ka naman daw sa lahat... pero ewan ko. sumasakit heart ko. (ngek!!!! ) ack.

hindi mo toh fault, kaya hindi ko na ibblame sayo. wala ka namang ginagawa, ako tong nagpapakatanga.

Feeling: sad.

POSTED AT 10:07 PM

budzter

B+ in my 3rd math LT. dayemn fuck. 5 points to an A. sayang, sayang. howelll.

probably failed this morning's theo test tho. howell. opportunity cost. hehe.

POSTED AT 11:12 PM

budzter

B on my first LT, C+ on the 2nd and B+ on the third. now all those will go down the drain because of those stupid midterms. dayemn fuck. (im starting to like this phrase, dayemn fuck)

punyeta. a lot of those problems were unfamiliar. it's just not fair how tim teng didn't really focus on any of those topics during class discussions, and then they came out in the midterms and i just went "what the fuck.?!" stupid stupid.

but he isn't entirely to blame. there was also a bit of neglegience on my part - i did my share of "self-studying" for the past long tests, but i figured he'd have taught all of them by now so i just studied my notes and some problems found in the book. wrong move.

oh well. i could only hope. hayy nako.

 

[acck. i need to fix my grammar already. i'm starting to sound sort of like *** and i don't want that. i cringe at the thought. eek. i noticed this about myself - after i spend a lot of time with someone, i start catching on to their mannerisms and stuff then after a while i start talking like them and moving like them and then i don't sound like myself anymore and.. fuck i'm not making any sense.]

POSTED AT 09:36 PM

budzter

talked to my parents this afternoon. boy was that productive.

 "okay lang if you don't make DL, but please, at least do your best, because by doing that, you'd learn. even if you don't get As or whatever, as long as you exerted effort."

 

hay. they're right. i hate to admit it but they are. *sigh*

 

and about tabsy (YAD 215) . dad says he can't wait to get me a new one, if mum would let him. and ,mum would only let him if she finds my grades umm.. satisfactory.

"a B in calculus would be more than what your brothers got. so i guess that would be acceptable."

great. does that mean i have to go for a B? ack. i'm tired.

POSTED AT 12:40 AM

budzter

aba... may progress...

para sa'yo:

alam kong magkakapareho lang kayo - malalandi. walang pinag-iba sa isa't isa, well save for siguro mas mabait at mas gwapo ka kesa sa kanya.. alam kong pareho kayong nagfflirt with everything that doesn't have a dick (minsan nga pati sa bakla nagpapacute pa kayo eh) pero ewan. sana naman hindi na mareiterate ang nangyari dati. heehee...

POSTED AT 08:14 PM

budzter

guess what.. i bought a dress. I. BOUGHT. A. DRESS. no, not the end of the world, just Andrea's debut. acckk.. i'm gonna wear a dress..? jeez. crap. holy shit. haha. well, we'll see how it goes on friday. haha

andrea's party
POSTED AT 01:05 AM

budzter

andrea's party went well.

so did coffee at starbucks with uzz dino ann bec and earl.

daddy's here!
POSTED AT 06:35 PM

budzter

dad arrived last monday and we pigged out at superbowl and cheesecake etc at eastwood. he looks really weird, growing that silly salt-and-pepper mustache. yucky! i'm surprised mom wasn't able to persuade him to shave it off. ick. a desperate attempt at being kewl that totally backfired. wehehe. but hey, at least it's just a mustache. i remember some friend of his dyed his hair purple... okay so i guess a mustache is okay compared to that. *shudder*.

anyway, he moved the picture files in his phone to mine so i can transfer them to my pc and send them to him. i hate them. they made me miss home more than i already did - he had pictures of my brother and my cousins hanging out at ayala and it's so not fair - ako lang yung wala dun! i wanna go home!!!!!! mph. if only my schedule would permit. i mean we've had several long weekends already but there was always an exam or something that followed (or there was a party i promised to attend, etc.) so i was never able to go.

i might tho after math LT next week. it's perfect cause ms. depressed theo prof is giving a free-cut so i can just cut math... i could probbly take the last flight sa thursday... AY wait! math LT is thursday 4:30-6:00 ata, so that won't work. unless of course there's an 8:30 or later flight...? mmmn... argh.

ack. i have to check again. howell.

ick.
POSTED AT 06:36 PM

budzter

ms. depressed theo prof gave back our theo exams. shit. 65% on both! dayemn fuck, just my luck. bagsak pareho, putangina... i'm not sure pa kung pano yung grading system nya, but nevertheless.. bagsak yun, sabi nya. WAAAHHH... there were 3 25 point questions and  10 point bonus. i got 22 on the first question, 21 on the second, and 6 on the bonus. i wasn't able to write ANYTHING on the third question cause the stupid chimes that they consider the bell rang already. powtanginangshyet. so there, bagsak. pakshet.

she said we could come talk to her daw and she could consider raising our grades or reconsidering our scores or something... i might schedule an appointment with her. ARGH. I fucking failed not one, but TWO THEO exams! how bobo is that? argh. theo. argh. hayy..

 

i don't have time to get depressed over this tho, 2nd eco lts are tomorrow and i'm only halfway through. argh. wish me luck. kaya toh. kaya toh. i had an A in the first LT but my quizzes are pulling me down, i think i have a B+ standing nalang, so i need this long test BADLY!! argh. wish me luck!!

okay i'll stop with this crap already and start studying. 

last hirit promise, magaaral na ako
POSTED AT 06:58 PM

budzter

friendster horoscope:

Ignoring emotions, trying to get rid of them or turning them into something else might work in the short term, but you need a better strategy for the long run. Explore all of your options.

 

tumpak! wehehe. i've been sort of avoiding him for days now and i ran into him this morning. sakit sa heart! wehehehe. howell.

used to...
POSTED AT 07:13 PM

budzter

used to... haha. akala ko lang pala.

the touch of your hand made my tummy go bonkers, even if it was just a handshake and none of your usual... well yeah you get the point..

and then i saw you with someone else and blood just rushed to my head.

i thought i didn't want you anymore. i thought i never actually did. but oh the pain, THE PAIN! wehehehe.

 

owkei. stupid me. stupid entry. stupid stupid.

 

LSS for 3 consecutive days.
POSTED AT 07:05 AM

budzter

Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that

Chorus:

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you

Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all

Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you'll see

Chorus:

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
I'ts all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
You'll feel it in my kiss because
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
I'ts all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
Crazy for you, crazy for you

It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you

hmmn..
POSTED AT 02:30 PM

budzter

when there's someone you sort of met who you know is leaving in a while, what do you do?

do you...

a.) try to get to know them well and spend time with them so by the time they leave you'd have at least a couple of happy memories?

or do you

b.) avoid that person altogether, so as not to have anything to miss?

 

if you go with the first one, chances are you'd miss them when they leave, but if you go with the second one, you'd regret not getting to know them better when you had the chance... so what do you do?

a teammate is leaving today. siguro if he left before this school year, i couldn't have cared any less. but then we spent a lot of time with him this sem and well, we sort of got closer na, so his presence would be missed sa range sobrah! howell..

THANK YOU SA LAHAT, CARLO RAM! MAMIMISS KA NAMIN! SEE YOU NEXT YEAR, OKAY?

 

anyway... change topic.

sobrang gulat ako when i woke up this morning.. may message kasi sa phone ko na super nagpafreak out sakn... glad that was settled na.

anyway, about that message, people handle pressure in different ways. i guess i'm blessed more than some because i can control the way i react to certain things, plus i have a lot of other things to keep my mind on. others, however, are not as lucky.

 now is a difficult time for me and some cousins. when the things you thought you'd be able to lean on come crashing down, the temptation to let go and let your whole world crash as well is extremely strong. But that doesn't necessarily mean you have to give in to it. it doesn't make sense to slit your wrists and attempt at ending your life just because things aren't going perfectly well. besides, concentrate more on the little, happy things... maybe then your world would seem a lot brighter.

contrary to what some of my friends have been telling me, i'm not extremely insensitive, nor am i numb and calloused.. my taking this lightly  doesn't necessarily mean that i have no heart, or that i'm not affected at all. don't get me wrong, i am. but just because some people choose to ruin their lives, doesn't mean i have to as well. i am 17 years old with my whole life ahead of me and i will not let things like this bother me. sure, it's sad. but there are a lot of happier things in this life... the little things. they're there if you just know where to look. everything doesn't have to be perfect, as long as i'm surviving with the least amount of struggle, i'll be okay.

ach, that's not how you fix this. it's their problem, not yours. don't let it get to you. i know this may sound a bit egocentric, but just concentrate on yourself... build yourself, make yourself into a better, stronger person. i know it may be kapoy at times. and i know you want to stop with this shit already kay ma drain na imong kusog, but go on.. don't stop. kaYa ni nato. okay?

 

[of course it's easy for me to say since i'm far from the 'battle field'. pero still. sometimes it helps to just set them aside for awhile and, i dunno,talk to your friends? relax? bury your head into a book or something...?]

bewitched.
POSTED AT 11:43 PM

budzter

anyhoo. today was pig-out day again! well, sort of. had bread for "lunch" then ate nachos, then taco bell burrito for dinner followed by ice cream for dessert. so sayang sammy couldn't join us, but then i guess shopping at duty free in paranaque's better than watching a movie with us, huh? *sob. wehehe. kidding.

watched bewitched with yen at gateway. no big, just another feel good movie with a lot of "awwwwwwww" scenes (you get what i mean. )

great. another date movie with yen. and once more i say "sana naging gwapong lalake ka nalang! " wehehehe. =)) howell. ang cute nung pag wiggle ni nicole ng nose nya!!! wehehe. la lang.

 

howkey, naghahanap nanaman ako ng excuse na hindi magsulat ng paper. ugh. but i've put this off long enough, i think - tapos na ang long weekend, wala pa akong nasusulat, and ito lang ang shot ko sa pag save ng theo grade ko. ugh. ugh. [isa pa] ugh.

one more badly written emotional entry.
POSTED AT 11:16 PM

budzter

i don't usually go like this but sometimes you just have to let things out.

 

shit happens. things change. PEOPLE change. Things don't turn out as you thought they would. People don't turn out as you thought they would.

With every puff of smoke; with every crazy thought that goes into my whirly head, I know I'm not the same person.

I wish things could just back track a bit. Maybe 2 years, or 4... I dunno, 10 years? Back to when everything was perfect... no wait, scratch that. Things were never perfect. It was just that for a time, I remained oblivious.... Ignorant. Whoever said that innocence=bliss knew exactly what they were talking about. Is there a process through which you can UN-know everything you learned? To just go back to that time of ignorance, or, if you prefer, "innocence"? HAH! Fat chance. Ironic, huh? You try so hard to understand only to want to forget later on.

Sometimes laughing it all off and being extremely silly helps. But reality is there... it haunts you like a plague waiting to attack. Once it dawns on you... well it does and you have no choice but to deal.

Hang on. Things will never be alright, but chances are you'd get used to them and not mind them anymore.

Things will never be as they were. You can't undo that which has already happened. You'll just have to move on. yeah. move on. No use crying over "sunk costs"; they've been incurred. move on. though you know you'll never be the same, at least you can strive to become something else. maybe, something better. =)