this sucks.
POSTED AT 08:18 PM

budzter

hahay nako... nakakaasar yung pinipilit mong kalimutan but hindi mo magawa..

it's not my fault that i'm obsessed. cause each time i try to forget, he gets my hopes up with a look or a smile or when he walks next to me, or stops when he notices i'm walking behind him then starts walking again pag magkatabi na kami.

owkei. baka all these little things are just figments of my imagination. i mean for all i know he isn't even aware that i exist. yet i go on hoping.

call me tanga. i deserve a conk on the head.

kasi naman eh... lumilingon. iikot pa. ahh ewan basta. bahala na.



[each time i try... hmmph]
Feeling: badtrip naman

wala lang.. update ulit sa buhay ko
POSTED AT 08:36 PM

budzter

i guess you'd be able to take it from the rest of my entries that i'm obsessing over pitek AGAIN.... oh well. life. parang buhay.


uhh,.. math is going okay... long test ulit this wednesday..

english and fil seem to be okay.

i have 5 papers to do for lit, two required, 3 optional.

i have 3 final exams next week: physics lit and math...


i have got to meet him befor i go home. yun lang po. thank you.

nyahaha



that made sense..

english reflection paper
POSTED AT 08:39 PM

budzter

hindi ko toh na submit... kasi... basta yun. so post ko nalang dito para ndi masayang.


I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley, Invictus

I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. I can’t remember the rest of the poem, but for some reason those words stayed stuck in my head since the first time I read them back in third year high school. I had promised myself to live by those words: my actions will not be dictated or imposed upon me by anyone but myself, and then I will be happy.

Many of us have the same dream – to be able to do what we want and be happy, without having to face any consequences or being pressured to do otherwise because of society’s hold.

One time, while I was walking home from the Ateneo, I set aside all thoughts regarding all the schoolwork I had piled up on my desk and just looked around. As I passed the soccer field, I looked up and noticed that the sun was beginning to set and the moon, less than a quarter, beginning to come out.

The sunset was always something that fascinated me ever since I was a child. It reminded me of a canvas with well blended water color washed over it. Blue, orange, a tinge of red spilled on that huge canvas which is the sky and ending at the horizon. I remember those times back in Tacloban when my dad and I, after a long day of school (for me) and work (for him) went to watch the sunset. I haven’t been able to watch the sunset or the moonrise, two of the things I love most, much since I started with my freshman year in college.

I continued walking… down the path, out the gate, up the stairs of the overpass. I stopped for awhile and watched the cars pass below. I saw some of those cars with see-through windshields and looked at the people driving them. I wondered what they felt. Most of them were rushing home after a day of work or school, others were probably still on their way to their workplaces while still others might be on their way to see someone special. Nevertheless they were all rushing to get to somewhere. What could most of them be thinking? Are they happy with their lives?

My thoughts drifted to the things I do each day. Get up in the morning, get dressed, rush to school, sit in class, eat, come home, do schoolwork… each day seems to be a replication of the day that passed before. Then each week becomes exactly like the weeks that passed. Well, don’t get me wrong, I do go out sometimes, but then even when I’m out I find my thoughts drifting back to my unfinished school work and guilt begins to cloud my mind. We get too engrossed on those things that we think we must do, that we forget what fun and happiness is all about. Sometimes things that make us happy are things that are unacceptable to the people around us.

I remember one of my happiest moments here: rolling in the grass at Bell Field. It was a Sunday night and my dorm mates and I were getting bored so we decided to go for a jog. Then when we got to Bellarmine hall, we saw the field and the trees and talked about happy moments of our childhood when we played outdoors and stuff. We all agreed it would be nice to just be able to let loose and play right there. Then we stopped and asked ourselves: why not? What’s stopping us?

So we ran across the grass and did cartwheels and rolled, then just lay on our backs and looked up at the stars. We stayed for around 30 minutes before heading back to the dorm. When we got there, some of our other dorm mates saw the grass stains on our shirts and asked what we did, and when we told them, we got reactions like “nasisira na ba mga ulo niyo?” They don’t know how much fun we had or how happy we were. We felt so carefree, probably the same feeling we had when we were kids with no papers or long tests to worry about.

I wondered why something like this would be so shocking to everyone. Since when did fun and play become such a crime? When you’re just trying to have some fun, you’d get comments like “hay nako, imbis na mag-aral, page-enjoy ang inaatupag.”

It led me to think about the majority’s reaction to people who deviate from what’s considered normal – which, as I’m seeing now, is to work your ass off, either for money or something else, both ways you’re still working really hard for something. More often than not people would be displeased with someone who they consider “walang ambisyon.”

This is probably the reason for our working so hard with school. In grade school, the goal was to get to a decent high school, and then in high school, the goal was to get to a good college. Once in college, the goal is to work really hard and get accepted into a good company. Once that goal is reached, everyone starts working their way up the corporate ladder. When they reach the top, they start working to get to a better company then work their way up again. If you look at it, society presents life as an unending ladder which one chooses to continuously climb for the hopes of reaching the top, and they think that they’d be happy there.

People will never be contented. They have their goals which they think, once reached, would make them feel fulfilled. But then once they reach that goal they realize that they want more, and they set a higher goal, then once they reach THAT goal, they strive for another one, and it’s all unending.

But what for? I’m sure everyone has thought of the fact that there might not even be a top, but they go on working their way up. Why? Because they have to survive. And in order to survive, they have to keep up. In order to keep up, they have to do what everyone else is doing, or try to be better. And since everyone is racing for that (non-existent) top, climb fast so you won’t get left behind!!!

I remember one discussion in our Fil 12 class where we discussed an article entitled At Ikaw Danny, Kumusta Ka? which talked about suicide. It talked of a girl whose life appeared perfect – high grades, good friends, suitors, okay family – everything seemed perfect. But then she killed herself, for no obvious reason. And then they looked at a poem she wrote about flowers: how they bud, then bloom and reach the peak of their beauty, and later on, wither and die, without ever being noticed or appreciated, and its as if they never existed. Kind of like us. We strive so hard to become something but at the end of it all, we’ll still die and it would be as if we never existed. So it doesn’t really matter whether you waste your life trying to get to the top because that’s what everyone seems to be telling you to do, or you choose to take the path of the girl in the story and use suicide as a means of getting out of the “race”… your going to die trying anyway, and both ways, you end up dead.

Many of us have the same dream – to be masters of our fates and captains of our souls. But nobody really is, or ever will be. We need to survive. We want to survive. And because of that, we are willing to give up being the masters of our fates and captains of our souls.

byebye j....
POSTED AT 03:19 PM

budzter

hokey. that's the closest to his name i'm ever gonna call him.

i don't like him anymore. everyone seems to think he's bad. and come to think of it, there really isn't anything good about him...


maghanap ka na ng iba. tama na yan.

byebye pitek...

senseless banter
POSTED AT 12:37 PM

budzter

ang gago ko talaga. hindi ko alam if i wanna go home or stay here lang for the summer.

 

kung i stay here, fun with the team sa training and shit tapos advanced subjects ekek and crap like that...

if i go home, i'll be with my kuya and my parents pero for a while din lang kasi kuya has to go to school sa summer. pero there, beach and car and friends.

 

here. shooting school and friends (plus boys pa... )

 

wadyathink?

 

 

nga pala, sabit akong C sa physics. kailangan ko ng 84 sa finals para magin C+. oh well... guess i'll have to wait till next sem...

 

mom is offering me a deal - the stuff i've been begging her for in exchange for a no-grade-below-a-B semester plus i have too stay in a dorm with a curfew. (baleh i can't get a condo.)

 

have to think about that pa. i mean i wanted a challenge, didn't i? now it's staring me in the face. do i take it, or not?

bad/good day
POSTED AT 02:46 PM

budzter

 

why i'm pissed:

1. i failed that lit long test,. the one i stayed up all night for.

---> what irks me most is the fact that i have no one to blame but myself. i mean hello, i had a month to read that fucking poem/drama, but no, as usual i waited til the last minute and now i have to suffer the consequences for it. fuck. i wish i could just blame it on someone else, pero hindi, kasi sobrang kasalanan ko talaga siya.

 

2. ... i think it'd be better if i don't talk about this nalang.

 

 

why i'm happy.

1. well, wadya know, i got myself a lower B+ in math. but since my teacher saw how much work i was putting into it, she said she'd give me a chance: if i get a 184 in the final exam (sabit sa A) she'll give me an A na. and if i don't get lower than a 155, she'll maintain my B+. which is fair. whew! \

---> think about it, i'm getting an A! omg. an A in math!

 

2. Ms. Thomas returned my first draft and i got a B+. i'm happy with that. although i'm sort of hoping for an A in my final paper. if i do get an A, i might get a B or a B+ for my final grade.

 

so now all i have to worry about is physics and lit... all the rest are quite decent. hmmn. i'm not even close to the dean's list or anything, but at least i know i'm not hanging by a thread.

 

a little more effort. one last week. kaya mo yan!!!

Feeling: mixed emotions

kalokohan
POSTED AT 04:03 PM

budzter

 

i dreamt of jolo last night. we were seatmates and we were friends.

... you might be wondering, who the hell is jolo...

 

hell, don't ask me, i have no idea.

basta hindi siya gwapo.

 

 

coline king cone broke up with Da kong king none. kwawa naman si da kong king none brineak ni coline king cone.

 

retard ba ako?

 

 

si yeniyenyen kasama si jenijenjen na pumunta ng mcdo at kumain ng king cone pero hindi nila sinama si coline king cone na nalulungkot dahil kay da kong king none...

 

ulit.. retard ba ako?

 

matapos mag mcdo, kami nina yeniyenyen at ni jenijenjen pumunta sa tindahan ni aling pure rinse... upang bumili ng suka... este flat tops.

 

hmmn.

 

again. retard ba ako?

 

seryoso... teka.

 

nanood kami ng my best friend's wedding kagabi. sobrahh in love ako with yung character ni rupert everett. kahit... shh! (he's gay!!!)

care ko. ang hot!

especially with the song thingy.

 

pero sobrang wala pa ring tatalo dun sa sumayaw si jules at si mike sa river thingy while kumakanta yun guy.. someday when i'm awfully low and the world is cold..... hahayyy....

 

anak niya'y aalis na papuntang canada tatlong araw nalang ang natitira.

Feeling: bahala na ang bukas

one last bago ako umuwi at maligo
POSTED AT 04:07 PM

budzter

 

kelan ko kaya siya makikita ulit?

 

bakit ko napanaginipan si jolo, kung sino man si jolo?

... and this time i know it wasn't my imagination
POSTED AT 04:58 PM

budzter

 

he was there.

just one seat away from me.

i heard him speak. i heard him laugh.

there's just something about the sound of his voice.

for some reason i just can't get it out of my head

and it continues to ring in my ears.

no. he wasn't talking to me.

i didn't even bother to listen in on what he was saying.

i was content with the sound of his laughter

and when i looked, he gave this adorable smile

i wanted to smile back.

i swear, i did.

i wonder what made me

turn around and look away.

look past him.

and the look of shock on his face said most of what he felt.

i am stupid.

i am a stupid retard.

what does it take to smile back ba?

NOTHING! but i didn't do it.

for some reason i couldn't.

stupid noh? lame ass.

and its the last day for that class too.

oh well..

had your chance and you let it pass. stupid stupid stupid.

harrumph.

and he didn't look at me again for the rest of the day.. Sad....

it wasn't my imagination this time.

i know that smile was real.

and you looked so adorable.

i'm sorry i'm a wuss

i'm sorry i'm stupid.

POSTED AT 06:48 PM

budzter

 

"dude you're my friend, but i'm not supporting you in this one"

 

daym. i hate it when i'm right. kaya nga si dude nalang dba, dba dba???!!!

 

harumph.

byebye pitek.

FINALLY
POSTED AT 09:12 PM

budzter

 

FINALLY yesss.. tapos na ang sem!!! bahala na si batman, i gave what i was willing to give.

 

btw, i don't care MUCH about my lit grade nymore, since dad told me not to shift nalang, then i don't have to habol any QPI's .. i'm STILL hoping for a decent grade tho, ho humph.... everything else is in the hands of whoever is reading all those papers and checking all those math exams

 

btw, for some strange reason, confident ish ako with that test kanina, although i have a feeling na hindi ako makaka A dun. hay.. i'm still HOPING for a B+.

 

well. no use stressing about it now, it's out of my hands. i just wish...

*sigh.

 

i'll be going home in a few days... bummer. i'm gonna miss shooting and my friends and classes and my crushes and all that shit.

 

but on the other hand, like i've been saying SOOO MANY times na before, there are a lot of things here that aren't there, but there are a lot of things there that aren't here (i.e. car and driving )

 

ho humph.

there are still so much stuff i want to do before i go home - go to greenhills and divisoria to shop, go barhopping, go to athlete's night, chill with the block. wahhh... so much to do so little time!!!!

 

oh well.. bahala na. magsesecond year na ako! whoopdedoo!!!!

 

Feeling: happpy

spacing out
POSTED AT 01:11 AM

budzter

*sometimes my imagination just runs away with me and feeds my mind with vivid thoughts and memories of events. i get them mixed up, and sometimes it becomes impossible to distinguish reality from fantasy... and still sometimes i would rather stay in my fantasy world than open my eyes and see the mess i have made of my life . i space out, and enter into my own version of reality.

 

owkei. i am not autistic or anything. wala akong sariling mundo, owkei? sometimes i just come up with things in my mind and.. i dunno.. parang sana ito nalang yung reality ko, bakit kailangan pang maging peke toh.

 

having said that, recognize that none of the events or conversations in this particular entry are true,,.. i just thought of writing down one of my space out sessions

 

i parked my car in the dorm's garage... tipsy.

he goes: are you ok?

i go: do i look like i'm ok?

he goes: aparrently not. let me help you out of there.

he pulls me out of the car. holds me still. he's surprised at how i was able to drive home from libis in this condition.

he opens the gate and seats me in the couch. '

we start talking. about everything without making any sense at all.

and i fall asleep in his arms.

till morning comes, and everyone is surprised to see us there...

including me.

owkei... that's enough for now. don't tell me i'm weird cause i know for  a fact that i'm not the only one...

ho humph
POSTED AT 08:50 PM

budzter

 

all this time i was so excited to come home.

 

now that i'm here...

 

 

ngerk,

 

 

 

hmph.

 

"a few days after you're home, you remember why you decided to leave in the first place."

 

i wanna go back to manila.

ponyeta. para lang may masabi.
POSTED AT 08:53 PM

budzter

wala.

 

walang kwenta.

 

hmph.

 

 

i'm sick. i have this really baaaddd cold. it sucks. my nose is beginning to hurt na.

 

 

 

i wanna go back to manila.

i just want to.

hmph.

 

 

ano kaya ginagawa ni dude tsaka ni pitek ngayon?

 

hmmn...

 

jeez. i am soo weird.

 

ewan.

basta.

bahala na.

 

 

 

.... that made sense..

my last weekend in manila... happy thoughts, for a change.
POSTED AT 10:08 PM

budzter

kung bakit ngayon lang toh, ewan ndi ko din alam.

 

Thursday.

out of boredom, we asked YAYA to get us some london gin, island lime and sprite and started drinking. last night ni yenyen and ria at the dorm so LET'S GET IT ON!

one thing tho: yenyen is allergic to alcohol and she was the one who was nagyaya and basta yun.. she started puking. oh wel..

 

Friday.

Block party at Sanndra's place. PUTANGINA YUNG MGA KJ NA HINDI PUMUNTA! X-(

pot luck yun. i brought 3 boxes of extra large hotshots.. yum!

anyway... we drank tequila and beer mmmnn

at around 10 uzzi and camille picked me up at sanndra's place then we were off to eastwood. we had coffee lang at seattle's (my treat.. ) and had a smoke. sarap pala nung peel na orange flavor... wala lang (yes, i know i promised not to smoke na, pero tss... quote from Seed of Chuckie It's okay to have little accidents from time to time. after all, rome wasn't built in a day. i think it went something like that.

nywey nung around 12 na we brought camille to lawrence sa Corinthian Gardens something something. may party of some sort there. nywey, yun..

Uzzi brought me back to Sanndra's tapos continue inuman. i stayed there na till 6am with Diane P., Carlo and Jandrew. (Sanndra, sorry for the trouble!!)

 

Saturday

Eastwood with Gian, Vanjo and Earl. Meg was supposed to come but none of us had her new number so wala din. we went drinking at cable car then after that went to play at power station. galing pala ni earl with the dance ekek thing!

 

Sunday

Rest day. Day na nag pack ako.

 

Monday

Lunch with my teammates then movie at pau's house. we watched Phantom (my third time! yess... definitely love it!) and drank vodka and gin... after Phantom we watched not another teen movie which turned out to be pretty cool - spoof of she's all that and ten things and a lot more teen flicks. anyway... after that we went to athlete's night at katips and had a shot each of tequila. then went back to pau's and watched (or finished watching) 50 first dates ... super fun!!! i had around 7 shots of vodka and a shot of tequila and 3 glasses of gin with lime. i know it's bad to count pero i'm kinda testing my limits. I DIDN'T GET DRUNK!! woohoo... i felt weird tho the next day.

 

Tuesday

Sobrang nag mess up ako. I lost my open ticket (actually medyo sadya din kasi i thought it was useless.) i ended up having to pay 3100 out of my own pocket and my dad doesn't seem to have any intention of refunding that. oh well.

When i got here, nobody was home so i headed over to tita joy's resto to eat then had my driver pick hannah up from school. tapos we went to marjorie's garden for coffee after driving around a bit. after that we went over to carissa's to practice for the cotillon for her debut. the choreo is a bitch. she pissed me off. isa pa i don't have a pink gown and i have absolutely no intention of getting a pink gown na i'm gonna use once lang so i kinda backed out of her debut.

 

that's it!!!

 

Thanks to:

my blockmates! D3 especially kina Mark, Sanndra, Rovi, Diane, M.M., Jandrew, Tan, and everyone else na nandun sa party!

Thanks din to R13 lalo na kina Uzzi, Gian, Camille, Vanjo and Earl.

To the ARPT, the best kau!!! lalo na kay Pau! and des and eliza and my and alfie and coach danny! and kenny and pat and ed!

you guys made this weekend great! pati the entire schoolyear! luv having spent freshmen year with you guys! cya next sem!!!

2 words.....
POSTED AT 09:57 PM

budzter

 

C . . . . .   . . A . A

sana mag start na ulit ang classes...

 

hmph.