Entries for February, 2005
February 5th, 2005
hmmmn... POSTED AT 02:13 PM i got the A i expected in the math test. (98 out of a hundred baybeh.. yeah, i'm great!! wahoo..) mr. acuna is sick so we didn't meet for lit yesterday! (HALLELUJAH!) got over the filipino reporting thing. (grr... but at least it's over and i'm alive!) hmmn.. everything seems alright.. i'm happy. i think. wahh... don't you just hate it when people take their anger out on you?? haha. believe me i know what i'm talking about. i'm not mad at this person though. just that she knows how much i hate it when people yell and she yelled at me, then apologized about it the next day. am i bad if i don't talk to her? i mean. i'm not mad or anything. i don't really care much. i just don't have anything to say to her, so might as well not talk. right? hmmn.. nywey.. back to yesterday.. twas mark's birthday and we all pigged out at mang jimmy's.. wahh the best sisig there is in the entire planet!!!! then after that we went and hung out at the deck of prince david. hmmn. consider this gross, but hey.. we had a spit fest, sort of... we wanted to see whose spit would hit a car parked sa baba.. funny.... i never knew falling spit could be so fun to look at. especially from the nth floor of a building. hehe. white. being blown about by the wind then stretching and splitting into two... imagine a ball of freshly chewed gum, spit it out, stretch it slowly till it comes apart... haha. that's what spit looks like as it falls from the top of a building. weird noh? kung ano ano maisip namin,,.. got me thinking. as i watched spit fall through the air. what happens to the person standing there sa baba? or to whoever owns the car on which our spit had landed? tapos nung bumaba si mark, he waved at us from the overpass. and i was thinking. how many times kaya na ako yung naglalakad dun and someone was standing where i stood sa deck... how many people have seen me walk by each morning? how many people watch everyone else? i can't really put it into words. it felt weird lang. we were standing there, watching mark walk to school and meet and talk to his girl. nanotice namin kasi kilala namin si mark. tapos... argh.. hindi ko maexplain!!! it was the same when i was standing sa balcony thingy ng condo nina philip with his binoculars. tapos someone was jogging and all that.. parang so many things going on in everyone else's lives... when you stop and think about it.... while i walk to school in the morning, my dad is probably sitting up in his bed reading the 8th habit which my brothers gave him for christmas. at the same time my brother is probably on the jeep going to school. while i have fun with my friends here, so many stuff are going on with my friends back home. hmmn. while i go to school and attempt to adjust, gellie lou is there in the hospital, dying. they say i'm missing out on a lot of things while i'm here. all their activities and lunches and parties. but i'm not, cause i'm doing stuff here naman na they don't get to do. so many things going on simultaneously, most people remain unaware of what everyone else is saying.. kinda why i got so stuck on metafiction last sem. people existing, all part of the whole scheme of things. everything intertwined. while i lie in my bed, my friend goes to 7-eleven then drops by his girl's place at prince david. while he's doing that, my other friend thinks about him. she wonders what he's doing. as she thinks of him, another person thinks of her and texts her and asks her what she's doing. that guy who thinks of her, also has someone out there who's thinking of him... wahh.,. it's all endless. everyone becomes connected eventually. ewan you never know.... owkei i'm not making any sense, i have to think more about this. hmmph. hopefuly i can write this better soon. Feeling: confused shut me up.
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February 6th, 2005
ho hmph POSTED AT 09:34 PM wahhh... wahhhhhhh.... wala lang. hehe. hmmph [that made sense... lol] Feeling: weird |
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February 9th, 2005
try ko toh ulit. POSTED AT 04:24 PM i can recall several times when i walked to school and i was totally blind of everything around me. to prove my point, i'll tell you of this one time when i was so preoccupied with whatever it was that i kept my mind on, i nearly got run-over by a cab. [okay that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it WAS close. hehe...] so anyway, back to my point. alam nyo yun. ilang beses ba kayong naglalakad sa kalye na wala kayong napapansing iba kundi ang sarili nyo at ang cementong nilalakaran nyo? alam ko ganun ako. madalas masyado akong nagcoconcentrate sa inaapakan ko at masyado kong iniisip yung mga bagay na kailangan kong isipin. when we watched mark from the deck at nalaman kong kita pala all the way to the overpass, i realized that, yun. kita pala talaga if you're really looking. parang i just realized na if you bother to look there are things you would see na you don't normally notice because you're too preoccupied with other things. ilang beses na kaya na may nakatayo dun at pinapanood ang mga taong dumadaan at walang nakakapansin sa kanya dahil walang nagbobother tumingin, tumingala. walang nagbobother na pansinin siya. hmmn... kawawa naman... invisible siya. what if she who stands watching sees someone and wants that someone to look up but then he [ung someone na nasa baba] is too preoccupied with everything else that matters to him that he, like everyone else does not notice her and she has no means of getting his attention. patuloy nalang siyang titingin at manonood. hmmn... pero what if sa mas malayo, mayroong nakaupo at nakatingala sa kanya na hindi niya napapansin kasi she continues to look the other way. that person will continue watching her na rin lang as she watches yung isang gusto niya. ang labo pa rin... pero i would think mas clear toh kesa sa dun sa nauna. Feeling: confused pa rin |
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February 10th, 2005
useless useless POSTED AT 11:13 PM useless useless useless. i wish i had just gone home. grr... Feeling: grrrr |
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February 11th, 2005
valentines day my ass POSTED AT 01:54 PM angst.. lol.. pero seriously. 1. its just some excuse for couples t o be able to make lampungan in public and no one's gonna bother to make them stop. [ aww come onn it's valentines day don't be such a kill-joy] 2. its another of those events that capitalists build on so they can promote their stuff. i.e valentines treat blahblah. valentines cards and crap, buy your honey a cake, it comes with a "cute huggable teddy bear". hugabble my ass, is a 5 inch tall teddy bear huggable? i don't think so.. owkei.... am i just bitter? probably... but then it's true diba? diba? diba? hmmn.. well pumatol din naman kami dyan last year.. haha.. remembering that time back in high school when my friends and i exchanged gifts on valentines day just so... wahhh... kaka miss yun. but anyway. past is past, dba? i got a long test in physics on tuesday so my valentines day will be spent with a physics book and some half baked notes. oh well. Feeling: bitter |
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February 16th, 2005
errr... pathetic attempt at being deep. POSTED AT 09:05 PM ang ganda ng sky kanina habang naglalakad ako pauwi. it wasn't that hot nymore (hello, 6 pm na..!) tapos medyo bumaba na ang araw... ang galing... wala lang. parang water color na maganda ang pagkakablend. hindi ko masyadong gusto and sobra sobrang pula ang sky as it is with the usual sunset. mas gusto ko yung parang kanina. medyo dark blue tapos sa may horizon may orange-y haze na sobrang light na halos hindi mo mapapansin. tapos habang naglalakad ako napansin ko ang mga shadow ng bare na branches ng trees tapos yung contrast niya sa sky. parang buhay na buhay ang langit kumpara dun sa malalaking punong walang dahon. wala lang. nakatayo lang sila dun tapos nakatingala sa langit. kung minsan naiisip kong maswerte sila. nakatayo lang dun. wala lang. umakyat ako ng over pass. ewan ba kung bakit exceptionally senti ako sa araw na to. nakita ko from the overpass yung mga kotseng dumadaan sa baba. ang astig... wala lang. naiisip ko lang... ano kaya feeling ng mga taong andun? alam kaya nilang may nagiisip sa kanila? ano kaya kwento ng mga buhay nila? kumusta kaya ang araw nila? habang naglalakad ako nakita ko ang mga bata sa kalsada. ano kaya iniisip nila? nakakain na kaya sila? namimiss rin kaya nila mommy nila gaya ng pagkakamiss ko sa mommy ko? kahapon, habang nakasakay ako sa LRT iniisip ko nanaman. this is something different and unusual for me, that's why it seems to be fun. tapos napatigil ako. kasi narealize ko na tulad ng mga taong kasama ko dun sa LRT, bahagi na to ng aking buhay. its not as different as i think it is. get used to it na. naisip ko kung gaano ako ka sheltered dati. naalala ko yung unang beses akong sumakay ng jeepney dito sa manila. sobrang naka freak out mode ako lalo na nung may batang umakyat at pinunasan ang mga paa ng mga pasahero, umaasang may magbigay sa kanya ng barya. routine na buhay. ganun yung kanya, ganito yung akin. kelan kaya titigil ang gulong na to? kakapagod. paikot lang. paulit-ulit. araw-araw. nung nabasa ko yung veronika decides to die... bentang benta sakin. nasabi ko kasi dati... maaga akong mamamatay... kung hindi ako mamatay ng maaga magpapakamatay ako. gellie lou died last saturday ata. shit. hindi pala masaya. inaayos ko pa nga lang buhay ko, at malamang inaayos pa rin niya yung kanya... pero hindi man lang siya nabigyan ng chance. kawawa. i'm sure hindi pa yun handa. tulad ko. alam ko gusto ko maaga. pero hindi naman ganito kaaga. langya... natatakot na tuloy ako. natatakot na akong mamatay. gaano ko man kagustong kumalas mula sa paikot na gulong na paulit-ulit lang.... nakakaramdam na ako ng takot. ewan nga ba... ang gulo. pumunta ako kanina sa shifting orientation. lagot. may pag-asa akong makapag-shift. magkakadireksyon na kaya ang buhay ko? kung oo, siguro yun ang magiging paraan para hindi na maging paikot, noh? wadya thing? Reading: paradise lost Listening to: more than words Feeling: my lyf is meaningles |
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February 16th, 2005
ang astig ng phantom POSTED AT 10:11 PM last night was an exception though. i watched a totally romantic movie,... with yenyen. sheesh. ewww... a date movie. with yenyen. triple eww... 1st of all, kung matitibo ako, hindi kay yen. yuck. hehehe. { joke lang dude!} 2nd of all, hindi ako matitibo. yuuucckkk,, hhehehe.. i was thinking more of watching it with someone like hmmn.... yung guy na eng. blockmate ni yen na feeling ko masarap i hug. ano nga ba name nun? [hoi di ko yun crush.... feeling ko lang talaga nice siyang i hug... gowrsh i don't even know the guy] o kaya si pitek. every which way. i wish i watched it with someone. i cried btw. i cried a lot. especially with the start of "that's all i ask of you." shit. "no more talk of darkness. let daylight dry your tears, i'm here..." shit. he's NOT here. no. he's not. and he never will be.  with each time our eyes meet pag nagkakasalubong kami sa hallway.... shit. di ko maexplain. i wish time would just stop so i could just stand there and stare into his eyes. {teka, sino nga ba pinauusapan natin? oh right, si pitek.} tapos kanina, on my way to the caf, nagkasalubong kami. ang my shoulder was at most two inches away from him. he looked so nice. then i saw him standing there lang on my way to the range. shit. take a picture, it'll last longer. teka back to my point. that gurl who played Christine is sobrang promising na actress. i mean i felt all the character's emotions even on the parts na she was silent lang. all the passion. all the things na i know sobrang hirap i fake and i project. sobrang galing!!! impressive. worth the hassle and the bayad for the movie. i'm definitely seeing it again. to think she's just 16 daw... shit... ang galing talaga!! although i didn't like the guy playing the character of raoul, the phantom and christine were great... and the songs... omg the songs!!! i've been listening to those for as long as i can remember and i've thought about how it would look on stage so many times - and it was exactly how i imagined it would be. i loved it. totally loved it. the way they did the scenes and the camera shots were great din... pootcha. all i can say is sobra grabe exag, i'm watching it again!!!! kahit paulit ulit iiyak pa rin ako... the character of the phantom is great. sobrang passionate siya with his music tapos yung love niya kay Christine sobrang nothing to do with sexual.. at least i think so. he wanted her to "let his song take flight". yung flaw niya lang masyado siyang naging obsessive tsaka possessive... tapos ayoko dun kay raoul. ewan. basta. i love that movie. love it love it love it. more than moulin rouge, and in yen's words "that's saying something na!!!" i swear. bili na ako dvd. Feeling: :P |
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February 18th, 2005
harrruuummpph.. POSTED AT 05:33 PM wahahaaha wala lang... labo. kung bakit ang tagal ko na nung nakikita tapos ngayon ko lang napansin... ang kyut kasing nagrereklamo eh, parang bata!... [ewan kung kyut ba sya o pakyut lang] nevertheless nakuha niya attention ko... tsk tsk... narealize ko kung gaano ako ka obsessed kay pitek na hindi ko napansin yun si *. hehehe.. hahayy nako... pero wala rin namang kwenta. patapos na ang school year, malamang hindi ko na uli makikita/magiging kaklase yun. hahayyyy... pero hindi pwedeng matapos ang schoolyear na hindi ko siya nakakausap. badtrip. nasa isang classroom na nga lang kami, hindi ko pa siya makausap. hayy. the story of my life! hehehe. hmmph.. hmmn... ano kaya pangalan nun? san kaya yun nag high school? yun... lalabas nanaman pagiging stalker ko. good luck sakin!!!! Feeling: wala lang... |
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February 19th, 2005
wala lang... POSTED AT 06:49 PM ang pangit din nung 3po kagabi. walang sense. ang kalat ng pagkakagawa nila. and with the *pause then *change ending thing ng T.A. maganda siya nung una nilang ginawa sa Lam-ang. din medyo nag work pa siya, pero this time... irk. pangit. filipino version, ang kalat kalat. tama si kenny, dapat nagwalk out ako. pero tapos na yun eh. |
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February 21st, 2005
POSTED AT 01:42 AM  every tear. that i suppressed every sigh. i did not utter for every time i failed to cry over you... what is this that you've done to me you have stabbed me so many times and left me like this. an empty shell numb. every tear. that i suppressed every sigh. i did not utter for every time i failed to cry over you... i cannot love. nor can i dream you should have just killed me. for death would always be better than being emotionless. unable to love. unable to dream. for when i made myself stop feeling pain i made myself stop loving. love and pain. they come hand in hand. every tear. that i suppressed every sigh. i did not utter for every time i failed to cry over you... Feeling: harrumph |
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February 21st, 2005
... POSTED AT 08:56 PM i let the moments pass. for every second that passed as i stood next to you. i should never have turned. shouldn't have looked. cause as our eyes met all the feelings i thought i was finally able to set aside came rushing back to me. stupid. stupid. i thought i had finally pushed you away. i was wrong for only a few seconds next to you sent all those weird feelings back. no. i can't. love comes hand in hand with pain. and loving you has hurt me once, i can't let that happen again. Feeling: stupid |
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February 22nd, 2005
fucked up POSTED AT 08:29 AM FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish i could just drop it para wala na...... waaahhh i should've submitted my loadrev forms long before!! putangina wala akong maintindihan. lahat ng pinagsusulat ko dun sa long test ek ek puro ek ek lang. wala talagang kwenta..
Feeling: pissed off |
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February 23rd, 2005
POSTED AT 04:14 PM sometimes your presence makes me feel really high but most of the time seeing you only makes me realize that you're out of my grasp. Feeling: ewan |
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February 23rd, 2005
POSTED AT 09:14 PM |
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February 27th, 2005
mmmmn.. update lang sa buhay ko POSTED AT 08:17 PM iba pala talaga pag andun ka na.. kahit walang pressure samin kasi sabi nga ni tracy we're the pussies anyway, so not much is expected from us pero putcha. nakaka kaba pa rin. it's like i forgot everything i was taught - from the stance to the hold, to the way you're not supposed to run after the black thingy sa target, to the squeezing and the breathing, fuck!!!! i made such a mess. pero kaya pa rin. practice lang... i will do better... i will do better if it's the last thing i do with my life (does that make sense??) hmmn... i have a math test tomorrow. pressure. i need an A. desperately. which is why i can't get depressed over that fucked up shoot, or the fact that... and that... basta lahat na.... hindi pwede, kailangang mag concentrate sa math. which reminds me, i gotta get back to studying. [i whispered your name to the night sky, it's up to the stars to bring you to me.] Feeling: hindi pwedeng ma depress. |
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February 28th, 2005
fuck. POSTED AT 08:46 PM nakita ko siya this morning. i was walking to MMR and he was walking towards the caf then.... awww... ang HOT. wala lang. yikes, ang manyak ko ah. pero kasi. he was looking so laid back lang in that white shirt na may collar tapos jeans and a bag slung over is shoulder, tapos his shaved head na lumilitaw sa crowd. grr.. i hate myself for looking at him. grrrr... oh welll..... and once again i was reminded that he is out of my grasp... [and i haven't even seen you smile.] |
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